March 25

So the captain has just turned off the no electronic devices sign. It is 7:32 in the morning and I have been up for three hours. Let's just go over a few of the things I have learned in the past 180 minutes:
Security check point people are not the best people to interact with on less than six hours of sleep.
As I approached the check point, a man who obviously was very important in his own mind asked if my bag had been with me the whole time and if anybody had asked me to carry anything on for them. I said Yes. This was meant to answer the first question. The man looked at me (he had been staring off into space before) and said, I'm sorry, did you say Yes? I blinked and said Sorry, I meant No. Apparently this wasn't the right answer, either. "You said No?!?" "I'm sorry, I meant no meaning yes....I mean...ahem, what was the question?" This entire dialogue is a lot funnier between Colonel Mustard and Wadsworth in the movie Clue, but is not particularly amusing when it is proceeded by a pat-down by a burly security lady (who I'm absolutely certain was related to my waxologist).

Seattle's Best coffee is a horrible misnomer that must be rectified immediately.
I think that is pretty self explanatory, and that Federal Aviation Requirements should include a provision about Starbucks.

I hate flying with people who don't regularly fly.
Business men and women know how the system works. With them, flying is a well-oiled machine. Throw spring-break families into the mix and the whole system is shot. You've got strollers, you've got sneezing, crying children, you've got kids dying to turn their little hand-held devices on (yeah, I know, I'm sort of the black kettle whipping out the laptop as soon as the light went off), you've got people standing in the way, looking at their tickets and looking at the gate numbers with the Terri Schiavo look on their faces, and you've got the complete assholes whose carry on bags do not fit into the overhead bins. I know when I go to try and get off the plane this jerk in front of me who looks like he is related to the Bush family is going to get his body bag stuck and they will have to bring the jaws of life on board to get the damn thing out. And I also know that it is filled with goodies to keep his little larve occupied during the whole hour that this pond skipper is up in the air.

Thank the good Lord, USAir serves Diet Coke.