March 30

So vacationing with my family is like detox. I haven’t had a cigarette or serious drink in a week. And being with the family is like dealing with all my demons and guilt at once. I really should start renting them out to various 12 step programs.

I just cannot be me without my vices. I think my dad noticed that I was feeling a little deflated, so when he took the family out for dinner, he handed me the wine list. He should know that I don’t need a menu to pick my poison. But of course, this was a family-friendly restaurant, so no liquor, no gin, no olives on a stick. When I asked our waiter, who was dressed as a gay pirate, for a dirty martini, he said "Arrrrgh, lassie, no can do. We do have a fine selection of fruity drinks in a souvenir cup."

I ordered a carafe. For myself.

And I now have a pink plastic cup in the shape of a pirate's head.