Have mercy

So I was listening to Elvis Pressley's Jailhouse Rock the other day in the car. One of the lines in the song goes: "Number 47 said to Number 3/You the cutest jailbird I ever did see/I sure would delighted with your company/C'mon and do the Jailhouse Rock with me/Let's Rock".

This statement leads to me to believe three possible conclusions:
1) In Elvis' southern land of make believe, jails were co-ed; or
2) Elvis was in reality a champion of prison reform and was bringing to the forefront of the country's consciousness the problem of rampant sodomy in our prison system with a number 1 single.
3) The King was homosexual and was advocating sexual tolerance through song.

I think it's #3: he liked to wear bedazzled capes; he is adored by lots of old ladies; he married a woman with hair like a drag-queen.

Tears of a clown

So I learned from a very reliable, trustworthy source (who I happen to think very highly of) that men generally don't like goofy girls. This presents a slight problem, as I can be very, very goofy. Why is it that guys can be goofballs but girls can't? What happens to the girl that was voted Class Clown? Does she take her act on the road and lead a lonely existence as a stand-up?

I know men generally prefer a little mystery to their women, but just because I enjoy a good laugh does not make me less mysterious.

There is a musical called Funny Girl about Fanny Brice, a famous Broadway singer (portrayed in all her divaness by Ms. Barbara Streisand). After she visits her husband in jail for a bad investment or gambling thing or something or other...he is always playing cards...(the always ethnic-chic Omar Sharif), she sings a song about being a funny girl:
Funny
Did ya here that, Funny
Yeah, the guy said Honey
You're a Funny Girl
That's me I just keep them
In stitches
Doubled in half
And thought I may be all wrong for the guy
I'm good for a laugh
I guess its not funny
Life is far from sunny
When the laugh is over
And the joke's on you
A girl oughta have a sense of humor
That's one thing you really need for sure
When you're a Funny Girl
The fellow says a Funny Girl
Funny, how it ain't so funny
Funny Girl

I'm here all week, folks...make sure you tip your waitress.

That's all, folks!! (Seriously.)

So my favorite people in the world, Netflix, just delivered Citizen Kane to my mail box. Actually, they delivered it about a week ago, but I am currently at war with the postman for delivering crap to me so I refuse to go get the mail until he stops sending the crap but then my mailbox gets full and he gets mad and dumps my mail on my welcome mat which is how I found the movie on my sidewalk. I had never seen the movie before, and the only thing I really knew about it was a vague memory of a Bugs Bunny cartoon that parodied it. Something about a sled called Rosebud.

And wouldn't you know, THE WHOLE FUCKING MOVIE IS ABOUT WHO THE HELL ROSEBUD IS.

That wascally wabbit.

Doctor, Doctor, give me the news....

So I hate being sick. I make the worst patient: I bitch, I moan, I complain, I sneeze, my eyes get shiny and my hair attempts to defy the laws of gravity. Ugh.

Right now, all I want to do is deep-throat a popsicle.

Here we go, Steelers, here we go!

So I thought this was cute:

A Cleveland family of football fans head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. While in the sports store, the sone picks up a Pittsburgh Steeler jersey and says to his older sister,
"I've decided to become a Steeler fan and I would like this for Christmas."

His big sister is outraged by this and promptly whacks him 'round the head and says,
"Go talk with Mom."

Off goes the little lad with the Pittsburgh Steeler jersey in hand and finds his mother.
"Mom?"
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Pittsburgh Steeler fan, and I would like this jersey for Christmas."

The mother too is outraged, promptly whacks him 'round the head and says,
"Go see your father."

Off he goes with the Pittsburgh Steeler jersey in hand and finds his father.
"Dad?"
"Yes, son?"
"I've decided I'm going to be a Pittsburgh Steeler fan, and I would like this jersey for Christmas."

The father is so outraged that he, too, whacks his son 'round the head and says "No son of mine is EVER going to be seen in THAT!"

About half an hour later they are all back in the car heading towards home. The father turns to the son and says,
"Son, I hope you've learned something today."

The son says, "Yes, Dad, I have."
"Good, son. What is it?"

The son replied, "I have only been a Pittsburgh Steeler fan for an hour and I already hate you Cleveland bastards."

1/2 man + 1/2 goat = true love

So my favorite part of the Chronicles of Narnia: the Lion, the Witch, and Wardrobe? The faun, Mr. Tumnus.

Beastiality questions aside, he is so a Jessica guy.